It's About Perspective

Perspective: A particular attitude toward, or way of regarding, something; a point of view

I have been seeing a lot of negative things on social lately. Have you? It's a weird time. We have this COVID-19 thing going on and it seems like everyone has lost their mind. Well, let's get real honest with one another - social is a place where the crazies like to play, sometimes, so perhaps we should have expected some of the things we are seeing.

It can be so difficult to stay motivated and positive when all you seem to be reading is negative (or false) information. There comes a time where even the conspiracies begin to bleed into your train of thought, despite your best intentions, and you start to say, "Wait a minute...could that be true?".

It's probably not true, by the way.

But hopefully you get what I'm saying here - times are tough and depending on where you mind is going during all of this is going to determine just how tough your battle is.

That is where perspective comes in. At the beginning of this entry, you saw me provide a definition of what perspective means. When reading the definition, it is important to note that YOUR perspective is YOUR'S. It is totally owned and controlled by Y.O.U.  So what has your perspective looked like lately?

An individual's perspective is influenced by two things: (1) their past (2) what is happening around them. Your perspective will either make you a warrior or a worrier. Which one are you right now? Can you change this? You absolutely can! The truth is, you need to start being very intentional about developing a healthy perspective for some of the chaos in your life because the wrong perspective can completely ruin a beautiful thing.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who has been cheated on and the other person discovered it by reading the other person's text messages? What did that look like for you when you got into a relationship with that person and you would receive a text? That person's perspective (because of what they had been through) was that a text=deceit. That was their perspective. Their individual and owned thought. It didn't mean it was fact. Hell, you could have received a text from your mother! If that behavior continued, what typically happens? One of the individuals leave the relationship. Either the unknown is too much for them to take on, or the constant accusing is too much for the other person to handle. What could have been a beautiful thing is now ruined based on perspective.

So, how can we control our perspective? It's not only easy, but you can start by focusing on two things: (1) Attitude, (2) Effort.

Now, you might be reading this and saying to yourself, "She doesn't know what I'm going through." - maybe not, but I have been through some serious shit storms in my life. Don't believe me? Go read every post in Our Nicu Journey and tell me I'm wrong. How did I get through that? Perspective. I changed my attitude from this is happening TO me to this is happening FOR US! I plan on using our situation to help so many other mothers and families going through similar things. What was made to turn me to ashes, has actually made me RISE UP and begin to really focus on what I feel is my life's purpose.

Perspective is all about YOU leading YOURSELF. How can you change your perspective right now? Well, you can begin to realize that fear is actually a privilege. Huh? What? Yes, fear is a privilege. How so? FEAR = False Expectations Appearing Real. Do you know that there are actually people living in your scariest moment right now? People are actually living your anxiety. The fact that you have anxiety or fear surrounding some made up circumstance is a privilege - you're lucky you're not REALLY going through it! Now, as someone who suffers from anxiety and is on medication to control said anxiety, I would never say that anxiety is a privilege - it sucks! I have found, though, when my anxiety starts to creep up and I tell myself this is a fear and not real, it begins to change my....Perspective. A change in perspective helps to reduce my anxiety. See how that works?  It takes some practice, but once you get the hang of it you start doing it automatically.

That is one of the ways I get through our current situation (the other way being God). I had to go in with the perspective of: How can I create something beautiful? I remember being wheeled out of my hospital room the one night on the way to drop off some milk. Things looked very grim for the girls. I  saw my lactation consultant in the hallway and he, being a former NICU nurse himself, stopped to talk with me about the girls. I said to him, "I'm already thinking of how I can turn this around - turn this into something to where the girls will NOT be forgotten, but be remembered. How can I help other people?" My mindset immediately shifted to focusing on good, despite the worst of the worse staring at me in the eyes. Could you imagine if I didn't go that route? Here's the thing: even though I was going that route, I still felt horrible. There was a point where I said to my husband, "Now I understand why people commit suicide. This pain is so great and exhausting and the only thing I get to do is live it over and over and over". And you guys- I wasn't even contemplating suicide!! I just had a moment of "Wow. If this is how I feel and I'm still not to that point, how awful must those people feel to do what they do". But could you even imagine if I had focused on the bad? Could you even imagine what could have happened if I allowed myself to downward spiral instead of changing my perspective? I might not be here. Truthfully.

This is why perspective is So.Damn.Important. You guys - chaos has the ability to eat you alive if you allow it. Rise up. Get better. Change your mindset.

Is there something going on right now where you need a shift in mindset? Drop a comment below! Let's discuss.

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And Now We Bring You - Mixed Feelings

Last night was a great night. I got to hold both of my babies and just enjoy. I missed them the last few days as I opted to stay home in case my allergies were something more.

When I hold them, or just watch them, all of this anxiety no longer exists. I am truly at the most peaceful place I have ever been, possibly in my entire life. This wave of warmth just overcomes my entire body and I am still. I have never been able to sit still and "quiet my mind" through meditation, but in those moments with my girls - I am. Their snuggles are the needed break that I need.

I am so grateful to God for making me their mommy - even if our journey has been very untraditional and full of ups and downs. They were meant for us, and us them. I am grateful to have gotten to watch them develop, open their eyes for the first time, grow fingernails, see their first sneezes (so cute), hear them cry - all of it. It's all truly a miracle.

God always knows what we need most in our life. I have said this before, I was a workaholic and constant busy-body before the girls came to be with me. It wasn't until I got pregnant and found out that it was twins that I began to slow down. My mind shift started to change from work being so important to my family being more important (which is where it should be anyway, but in this day and age it is so easy to get caught up elsewhere). Now that they are here, I feel that my priorities in life are finally where they should be. It is as if all of the pieces suddenly clicked together and formed this picture of peace...sort of.

This entire journey has been like doing a 5,000 piece Thomas Kinkade puzzle, with all of its colors and blending. I started with the frame (because starting anywhere else on a puzzle is insanity, and don't tell me I'm wrong). The frame was, and is: my girls were born extremely premature. The puzzle continues to be built, piece by piece, but when something is figured out it feels like when you finally have two chunks that you have been working on, fit together. You have that moment of "ah ha!" and suddenly, the 5,000 individual pieces start to look more manageable - but it's going to take time and no doubt there will be more frustration as you attempt to put together this photo with 50,000 shades of blue that somehow - someway - will eventually come together to form a creek, or a pond.

Right now I find myself at that time in the process where you are just sort of staring, thinking to yourself how much more productive it would have been to do some laundry instead of this damn puzzle - and you start to lose sight of how far you have come with your progress. Maybe that's not entirely true - the progress is definitely front and center in my mind, but as we near more towards the month of April I find myself getting sad.

When I first found out I was pregnant, my 40 week due date was April 25th. When we found out it was twins, my doctor said anytime between April 1st - 11th would be ideal for labor as that would be 36.5 - 38 weeks gestation (full term for twins). The latest he was going to let me go was April 11th - so April 11th has always been what I considered my "due date". I always imagined I would go early...definitely not as early as I did!...but I anticipated a late March baby. I remember people joking about a St. Patty's baby and I would say, "No, that's still too early" -- that response is so laughable now. Whew! If I only knew...

So today, St Patty's Day, has me starting to feel some kind of way. As I looked at my girls last night, one who is 4 lbs and one who is very close to hitting that milestone, I thought of a few things. First and foremost - how perfect and beautiful are they?? I mean seriously - I'm sure anyone who has ever looked at a newborn has thought the same thing. The perfection, the innocence, the ignorance to the evil of the world... the perfection of the creation. It's amazing, truly amazing. Then I thought, "Wow you're big - where was I expected to carry both of you at this size?" When I look at me, and I look at the two of them, I stand firm that I wouldn't have made it full term lol. I just don't know where they would have gone! But then the thoughts change - what if I had held them in this long? What if my body didn't fail? What if I could have saved them from everything they have already been through - things that while I KNOW are not MY fault, I still feel guilt over because it was my body that failed them. My body that is supposed to have the most natural aspect of its function to be to produce, carry and feed a child. And because my body decided to quit, for reasons we still and probably never will know, my beautiful children have had to endure so much - and there will be more. Any time they have gone through anything, it has felt like it has been my fault. The mom guilt is so real, and so fierce.

I know God's go this. I know we are blessed. I am SO grateful for everything to date - but the brain is just creeping right now and wondering how things would have been different - if only my body could have done what it was supposed to do. What would life look like if I had held them to term? What is life like when your child does not have bilateral grade 4 brain bleeds and you don't have to worry about a shunt? What does life look like with babies whose lungs are fully formed and operational, organs that just function the way that they are supposed to without the help of steroids, and a life that never involves living in a little plastic house? Life without tubes and leads and monitors - that seems crazy! After going through everything, the thought of a life like that is almost fairytale like - so if you had that, or are currently pregnant, be grateful because I can tell you - a boring pregnancy with a standard delivery at term and a healthy baby seems like the equivalent to winning the Powerball for us mamas who have had premature babies. I can't even imagine in what that would be like (the Powerball win and the full term pregnancy/delivery lol). Hey -- I might not get that full term delivery, but I won't lose hope on the Powerball - cheers to that!

So that's sort of where I am at right now, and what I am currently working through. This entire process has been such..well..a process. I don't think it ever won't be, if I'm being truly honest. Life is currently this beautiful, confusing, trying, strengthening, frustrating, faith-filled puzzle of a journey that I know - eventually - is going to be the most beautiful picture I could ever imagine. So, for now, I will continue to just build it, piece by piece - day by day.

My Struggle Prepared Me for COVID-19

I know - you're sick of hearing about it. You're sick of seeing memes about it. Your grocery shelves are empty. You are wondering, "What is with the toilet paper??"

Me too.

But here we are, folks. In this absolute circus that is surrounding the COVID-19 virus. As I write this, my seasonal allergies are kicking up. Post nasal drip, lump in my throat (but not a sore throat), producing cough - happens every year. Every.Damn.Year. If the tree in my backyard is beginning to bloom, I can count on these things occurring  - but here I am second guessing everything now. Pair that with the anxiety that has already plagued me for the last 3 months or so and now my mind spirals out of control for a hot minute and it goes from "allergies" to "Great, now I'm dying". Ei yi yi.

I never thought on December 31, 2019 that I would begin my journey into COVID-19 prep. I actually think that may have been the day the media frenzy kicked off surrounding the issue in China (ironic). The following weeks and months were met with a great deal of uncertainty, fear, anxiety, a need for patience, a need to relinquish control, a desire TO control, isolation, and a ton of hand washing. Who knew that my severe premature labor would prepare me for that shit that was going to hit the fan two months later! Who knew...

While the world scrambles to protect themselves from a dirty behind, I am sort of just drifting through it all. Did I buy some toilet paper? Yes - because I was out. Did I buy some cleaners? Yes. Did I buy bleach? Yes. Did I buy canned goods? Yes. The funny thing is, my lack of panic caused me to believe that I was actually UNDER prepared - which drove me to the store to pick up some essentials. But I assure you, that does not involve large quantities of toilet paper. I found it interesting as people wheeled carts and carts of toilet paper out of these stores - but no food. No canned goods. Apparently society cares more about their asses than their nutritional well being while being quarantined. I don't understand it.

Back to the point - I think a lot of you may be feeling the way that I have felt the last couple of months, but obviously for a different reason. So I want to share with you some ways that I think might help you work through those nagging feelings, because they will probably be around for a bit. If I have learned anything through this it is that the only way to get out of a feeling is to work through the feeling. Working against it only causes more angst.

1. Uncertainty & Fear: Similar to the journey with my girls, there are two things you can lean on during your battle with uncertainty: God and Science (weird seeing those two together, huh?) God always has us in the palm of His hand and while many situations don't seem fair, He uses them all for good. Science is also working around the clock to come up with vaccines. How often do you have the ENTIRE WORLD searching, with such determination, to figure something like this out? The response to COVID-19 is pretty much as good as it's going to get, because it's affecting everyone. We might not have it figured out tomorrow, but it will get figured out. Use this time to develop a new, healthy routine. Maybe each morning you wake up and give thanks for your health, you eat a healthy breakfast, you take a walk outside, and then come home and read something positive. The best way through fear is through positivity. Change your thinking and change your actions towards something that is more positive and productive than worrying.

2. Patience: This goes with what I just said - it will get figured out. Your anxiety, your panic, your 500 rolls of toilet paper are not going to get it figured out sooner. Additionally, lack of patience and the anxiety that comes with it causes you to lose patience - patience with your kids, patience with your family, patience with the poor old woman at Aldi's. In a time where everyone feels similar, choose to be kind. Again, this will be figured out. While you are stuck not knowing and not being able to do anything about it, control your controllable. Wash your hands. Eat healthy foods. Enjoy some time outside. STAY AWAY FROM SOCIAL MEDIA. Limit your time feeding into the news. Get the info you need, and then get away.

3. Isolation: I have seen a lot of parents freaking out because the kids will be home for a while. I have mixed feelings on this as someone who is currently separated from her children - but to each their own. I'll leave my thoughts here: be grateful. Please. Be grateful for healthy children. Be grateful that they are in your home. Be grateful that during something that is so scary that your family is together, rather than separated. At least you can take comfort that you are all together - for us families that don't have that luxury, there is a level of intense pain on top of the fear/anxiety/panic/etc. This is a great time to do things like bake, go on a nature hike, look at the stars, spring clean, pick out things to donate. Utilize this time to get your sh*t in order. I know, this is hard with work and lost wages and everything else. I am not discounting that - but what are you going to do about it? What can you do about it right now? Not much, so choose to do something else. Make some memories. Have the kids start a journal, come up with a new game night. Who knows, this entire situation may draw you and your family closer than you ever have been. Wouldn't you prefer dinnertime conversation over silence and everyone staring at a phone? I would.

4. Illness: So, what if you're like me and you freak out, "Is it COVID-19? A cold? The flu? Allergies?" Here's the thing - all of those, except one, are pretty much handled in a similar fashion: Stay home. Hydrate - overly hydrate. The more water the better. Take your vitamins. Eat some yogurt for the probiotics to assist with gut health (unless you have a nasally issue or cough - if so, avoid dairy as it promotes more mucus), take a nap. If there is one thing that can easily weaken your immune system, it is stress. So as hard as it might be, you have to relax. Get lost in a good Netflix series, or start to read that book you've been meaning to pick up. A spin on Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax": Relax. Don't do it. Let your body work through it.

Everyone has gone nuts - it is what it is, but continuing on this route is only going to exhaust us all and cause way more harm than good. Let's all just try to work through this issue in a positive and productive way. This is temporary.

Becoming "Mommy"

Oh my, where do I begin with this one...

The thought of "becoming a Mommy" usually involves a typical pregnancy with a baby shower in there, a routine, full-term delivery, and holding your sweet little bundle as you rest in your hospital bed surrounded by balloons, flowers, family, and friends. It's a very soft and cuddly thought. In that moment, you are meeting and "being Mommy" to this little baby that you have only ever felt inside of you. This is who was doing all the kicking. It was this little boy/girl who wedged themselves under your rib cage. This is the peanut that used your bladder as their personal trampoline. This is them.

It's a very different story when things go very opposite of the above, I'll tell you that. But...something I have grown to appreciate is the growing together that I am doing with my girls.

Usually, mothers don't get to see the little fingernails and toenails of their babies forming. You read about it in "What to Expect when You're Expecting" so you assume it's happening inside of you, but you don't actually get to see it. I have gotten to see it. I have gotten to see little fingers and little hands with just small indents where a nail would be, actually grow into this teeniest tiniest little nail. I routinely will hold one of my daughters' fingers or feet and just marvel at the sight. How incredible!

Usually mothers don't get to see their child's overall body composition change. I have gotten to watch my children's skin go from red and tissue paper thin (that is not an exaggeration), to thicker and a beautiful peachy pink - just like my own. When babies are really tiny and don't have any body fat yet, they develop this coating of hair on their body called lanugo. I have watched the lanugo disappear (except for a few spots like on their shoulders where they are a little fuzzy - and I love it).

Is that heartburn? Rumor has it, your child has a head full of hair! Well, I have seen my girls' hair grow - eyebrows, eyelashes, hair on their head. I have seen it grow, I have seen it change, I have wondered where the hell blonde eyebrows came from multiple times.

And yes, I have seen the scariest of things too. I have seen kidneys fail, electrolytes rise, sodium get wonky. I have seen blood transfusions, a ton of machines, and have heard a lot of uncertainties.

I still would not wish this early of a delivery or the pain that I sometimes experience, on my worst enemy; however, I think it is important - and truly sometimes the only means of survival - to find the silver lining in what you are going through. To give it some sort of positive meaning.

I am watching God's miracle of life before my eyes. I have FELT God's presence in that room and by my side so many times. As someone who has always considered herself a Christian, but never been very "preachy" I now consider myself "all in". I know that I am on this journey with God by my side. I know our mountain is STEEP (whew! it's steep!) and I know this cross is HEAVY (whew! it's heavy!) but I continue to carry it up that mountain every day - while stopping to smell the roses along the way.  Why not? God never said we couldn't enjoy portions of a tough journey. He never said that when the going gets tough, we must be depressed.

Sometimes, I think some of the staff at the hospital look at my husband and I and wonder if we take this seriously. We routinely go in with a positive attitude, we laugh with our nurses who have become family, we joke with our respiratory staff. But then - what else are you supposed to do? Am I supposed to look beat down and broken and just sit on the couch (been there! done that!). Am I supposed to walk around with fear in my eyes the entire time I am there, not speaking to everyone as if I am ashamed of my situation? I hope not, because if that's how I'm supposed to be acting then I am really breaking the rules.

In these situations, I think God wants us to create our joy as we rejoice in His ways. Our creation of our joy could be seen as the comfort of His peace and His assistance. I have personalized my girls NICU nursery - it helps us and visitors feel more at ease and welcome in the room. I don't want the NICU to be a scary medical place - I want it to be a temporary little cove full of love and caring. I love to laugh, so finding things to laugh at with my nurses really helps me in the situation. Last night Bria brought her knees into her chest, diaperless (I'm sure you see where this is going) and literally machine gunned poop out of her hind parts. Shocking? Yes. Laughable? After a minute or two, haha. Sometimes laughter is the best medicine. Additionally, I choose to demonstrate God's peace and His work in my life currently by getting to personally know others and forming connections. I love that we can sit down and talk to our one doctor about ROP and future surgery, and five minutes later be discussing cooking and wine and hearing about his children and grandchildren. It's an added layer of comfort. It makes me, as a NICU mom who can't do much, feel surrounded by "family".

That took me off track - let's reel it back in. I have become "Mommy" in a very unconventional way. I still have not held either of my girls. There has been no skin-to-skin/kangaroo care. The only time I touch them is through a porthole in their isolette, or when I lift them for their weights. That's it. There has been no rocking, no holding them swaddled, nothing. That's hard for a mother! Super hard, in fact, and if I'm being honest the pain with that one is getting worse the longer we go one BUT! I choose to focus on the witness of God's miracles that I have already listed above. I choose to say, "Yes" if a nurse asks me to do something. I choose to run toward the poopey diaper rather than shy away even though changing a diaper through a porthole on a preemie is one of the most difficult things I have had to figure out in my life. It's a lifeskill that deserves a medal if you can do it.  I might not be washing my babies clothes (because they don't wear any), but I pick up after cares and put their soiled linens in the soiled linen bin....the trash in the trash bin, etc. The nurses always tell me I don't have to do it - but I like to do it. It makes me feel like I'm taking care of my girls and their space. I pick out their sheets from the closet and find them little blankies....and when those blankies get pulled out to be washed I will go through the cabinet day after day until I find that very same blankie for them again (there is one such dragon blanket that is "Bria's" that I am constantly on the hunt for).

One area that I am particularly proud of myself in, besides the diaper changing, is becoming an active part of their care team. Up until about a week ago, I didn't want to know. Seriously. The anxiety was so awful that I would make Ray call in for updates as I waited, insides all twisted ready to throw up, to hear about what the day had been bringing our girls. Now, I'm the one calling in. I call in when I wake up to see how their night went. I talk with my nurses about things I want brought up in rounds, care that I think may be needed, changes that I feel might need to be made. I call in again around lunch to see what the Drs. may be changing that day. At night, I record it all. Weights, meds, dosages, oxygen, vent settings, activity, behavior, O2 - that way, I can review it and get ready to be part of the care team again the following day.

I'm also proud of myself for learning my girls. Learning their quirks, their behaviors - what is normal, what is not, their coloring, etc. The other night Valerie seemed off. I told her nurse (this was the first time the nurse was having Valerie) and she didn't seem to think it was a big deal. Not that she didn't care! She was a fantastic nurse, I really loved her, but since it was her first time with Val she didn't know what was or was not normal. That's where being their advocate as a parent comes in. I kept saying, "Her color is off" "Her heart rate is off" "Her demeanor is off...something isn't right". On the way home, I was talking with my husband and I said, "I think she needs blood. I think she's Anemic but they said this morning's counts looked good.."  Last night we came in to an elevated heart rate, the same pale Valerie, but her demeanor was good - she didn't looked stressed or anything. They said they were running a blood count and waiting for it to come back and I looked at my husband and said, "I knew it. I knew something wasn't right." Don't you know it came back as Anemia? I am definitely not saying I'm a know-it-all, but I know my girls. And they "twin" a lot, so this morning I let Bria's nurse know what Valerie was showing yesterday and what to look out for because most likely, Bria will do the same.

This is definitely not how I envisioned "becoming Mommy" to be. I pictured sleepless nights (which I still have), exhaustion (which I still have), crying babies at home, family over to help us with the babies so I could run to the grocery store - that sort of thing. I never imagined making close connections, witnessing miracles in front of my face, learning more about prenatal medical care than I ever cared to learn and actually UTILIZING that knowledge to assist in the decisions surrounding their care, or changing a diaper through a porthole. I wish I could say, "...but I wouldn't give it up for the world". Trust me, a full term pregnancy with zero complications and two healthy babes would have been ideal but this journey is a journey that my family is all taking together with the girls. It has brought all of us closer, it has strengthened/renewed our faith, and has allowed us to grow in our own way as our little girls grow in their's. It's a journey that while difficult, will forever change us and make us stronger.