Last night was a great night. I got to hold both of my babies and just enjoy. I missed them the last few days as I opted to stay home in case my allergies were something more.
When I hold them, or just watch them, all of this anxiety no longer exists. I am truly at the most peaceful place I have ever been, possibly in my entire life. This wave of warmth just overcomes my entire body and I am still. I have never been able to sit still and "quiet my mind" through meditation, but in those moments with my girls - I am. Their snuggles are the needed break that I need.
I am so grateful to God for making me their mommy - even if our journey has been very untraditional and full of ups and downs. They were meant for us, and us them. I am grateful to have gotten to watch them develop, open their eyes for the first time, grow fingernails, see their first sneezes (so cute), hear them cry - all of it. It's all truly a miracle.
God always knows what we need most in our life. I have said this before, I was a workaholic and constant busy-body before the girls came to be with me. It wasn't until I got pregnant and found out that it was twins that I began to slow down. My mind shift started to change from work being so important to my family being more important (which is where it should be anyway, but in this day and age it is so easy to get caught up elsewhere). Now that they are here, I feel that my priorities in life are finally where they should be. It is as if all of the pieces suddenly clicked together and formed this picture of peace...sort of.
This entire journey has been like doing a 5,000 piece Thomas Kinkade puzzle, with all of its colors and blending. I started with the frame (because starting anywhere else on a puzzle is insanity, and don't tell me I'm wrong). The frame was, and is: my girls were born extremely premature. The puzzle continues to be built, piece by piece, but when something is figured out it feels like when you finally have two chunks that you have been working on, fit together. You have that moment of "ah ha!" and suddenly, the 5,000 individual pieces start to look more manageable - but it's going to take time and no doubt there will be more frustration as you attempt to put together this photo with 50,000 shades of blue that somehow - someway - will eventually come together to form a creek, or a pond.
Right now I find myself at that time in the process where you are just sort of staring, thinking to yourself how much more productive it would have been to do some laundry instead of this damn puzzle - and you start to lose sight of how far you have come with your progress. Maybe that's not entirely true - the progress is definitely front and center in my mind, but as we near more towards the month of April I find myself getting sad.
When I first found out I was pregnant, my 40 week due date was April 25th. When we found out it was twins, my doctor said anytime between April 1st - 11th would be ideal for labor as that would be 36.5 - 38 weeks gestation (full term for twins). The latest he was going to let me go was April 11th - so April 11th has always been what I considered my "due date". I always imagined I would go early...definitely not as early as I did!...but I anticipated a late March baby. I remember people joking about a St. Patty's baby and I would say, "No, that's still too early" -- that response is so laughable now. Whew! If I only knew...
So today, St Patty's Day, has me starting to feel some kind of way. As I looked at my girls last night, one who is 4 lbs and one who is very close to hitting that milestone, I thought of a few things. First and foremost - how perfect and beautiful are they?? I mean seriously - I'm sure anyone who has ever looked at a newborn has thought the same thing. The perfection, the innocence, the ignorance to the evil of the world... the perfection of the creation. It's amazing, truly amazing. Then I thought, "Wow you're big - where was I expected to carry both of you at this size?" When I look at me, and I look at the two of them, I stand firm that I wouldn't have made it full term lol. I just don't know where they would have gone! But then the thoughts change - what if I had held them in this long? What if my body didn't fail? What if I could have saved them from everything they have already been through - things that while I KNOW are not MY fault, I still feel guilt over because it was my body that failed them. My body that is supposed to have the most natural aspect of its function to be to produce, carry and feed a child. And because my body decided to quit, for reasons we still and probably never will know, my beautiful children have had to endure so much - and there will be more. Any time they have gone through anything, it has felt like it has been my fault. The mom guilt is so real, and so fierce.
I know God's go this. I know we are blessed. I am SO grateful for everything to date - but the brain is just creeping right now and wondering how things would have been different - if only my body could have done what it was supposed to do. What would life look like if I had held them to term? What is life like when your child does not have bilateral grade 4 brain bleeds and you don't have to worry about a shunt? What does life look like with babies whose lungs are fully formed and operational, organs that just function the way that they are supposed to without the help of steroids, and a life that never involves living in a little plastic house? Life without tubes and leads and monitors - that seems crazy! After going through everything, the thought of a life like that is almost fairytale like - so if you had that, or are currently pregnant, be grateful because I can tell you - a boring pregnancy with a standard delivery at term and a healthy baby seems like the equivalent to winning the Powerball for us mamas who have had premature babies. I can't even imagine in what that would be like (the Powerball win and the full term pregnancy/delivery lol). Hey -- I might not get that full term delivery, but I won't lose hope on the Powerball - cheers to that!
So that's sort of where I am at right now, and what I am currently working through. This entire process has been such..well..a process. I don't think it ever won't be, if I'm being truly honest. Life is currently this beautiful, confusing, trying, strengthening, frustrating, faith-filled puzzle of a journey that I know - eventually - is going to be the most beautiful picture I could ever imagine. So, for now, I will continue to just build it, piece by piece - day by day.
My Struggle Prepared Me for COVID-19
Saturday, March 14, 2020
I know - you're sick of hearing about it. You're sick of seeing memes about it. Your grocery shelves are empty. You are wondering, "What is with the toilet paper??"
Me too.
But here we are, folks. In this absolute circus that is surrounding the COVID-19 virus. As I write this, my seasonal allergies are kicking up. Post nasal drip, lump in my throat (but not a sore throat), producing cough - happens every year. Every.Damn.Year. If the tree in my backyard is beginning to bloom, I can count on these things occurring - but here I am second guessing everything now. Pair that with the anxiety that has already plagued me for the last 3 months or so and now my mind spirals out of control for a hot minute and it goes from "allergies" to "Great, now I'm dying". Ei yi yi.
I never thought on December 31, 2019 that I would begin my journey into COVID-19 prep. I actually think that may have been the day the media frenzy kicked off surrounding the issue in China (ironic). The following weeks and months were met with a great deal of uncertainty, fear, anxiety, a need for patience, a need to relinquish control, a desire TO control, isolation, and a ton of hand washing. Who knew that my severe premature labor would prepare me for that shit that was going to hit the fan two months later! Who knew...
While the world scrambles to protect themselves from a dirty behind, I am sort of just drifting through it all. Did I buy some toilet paper? Yes - because I was out. Did I buy some cleaners? Yes. Did I buy bleach? Yes. Did I buy canned goods? Yes. The funny thing is, my lack of panic caused me to believe that I was actually UNDER prepared - which drove me to the store to pick up some essentials. But I assure you, that does not involve large quantities of toilet paper. I found it interesting as people wheeled carts and carts of toilet paper out of these stores - but no food. No canned goods. Apparently society cares more about their asses than their nutritional well being while being quarantined. I don't understand it.
Back to the point - I think a lot of you may be feeling the way that I have felt the last couple of months, but obviously for a different reason. So I want to share with you some ways that I think might help you work through those nagging feelings, because they will probably be around for a bit. If I have learned anything through this it is that the only way to get out of a feeling is to work through the feeling. Working against it only causes more angst.
1. Uncertainty & Fear: Similar to the journey with my girls, there are two things you can lean on during your battle with uncertainty: God and Science (weird seeing those two together, huh?) God always has us in the palm of His hand and while many situations don't seem fair, He uses them all for good. Science is also working around the clock to come up with vaccines. How often do you have the ENTIRE WORLD searching, with such determination, to figure something like this out? The response to COVID-19 is pretty much as good as it's going to get, because it's affecting everyone. We might not have it figured out tomorrow, but it will get figured out. Use this time to develop a new, healthy routine. Maybe each morning you wake up and give thanks for your health, you eat a healthy breakfast, you take a walk outside, and then come home and read something positive. The best way through fear is through positivity. Change your thinking and change your actions towards something that is more positive and productive than worrying.
2. Patience: This goes with what I just said - it will get figured out. Your anxiety, your panic, your 500 rolls of toilet paper are not going to get it figured out sooner. Additionally, lack of patience and the anxiety that comes with it causes you to lose patience - patience with your kids, patience with your family, patience with the poor old woman at Aldi's. In a time where everyone feels similar, choose to be kind. Again, this will be figured out. While you are stuck not knowing and not being able to do anything about it, control your controllable. Wash your hands. Eat healthy foods. Enjoy some time outside. STAY AWAY FROM SOCIAL MEDIA. Limit your time feeding into the news. Get the info you need, and then get away.
3. Isolation: I have seen a lot of parents freaking out because the kids will be home for a while. I have mixed feelings on this as someone who is currently separated from her children - but to each their own. I'll leave my thoughts here: be grateful. Please. Be grateful for healthy children. Be grateful that they are in your home. Be grateful that during something that is so scary that your family is together, rather than separated. At least you can take comfort that you are all together - for us families that don't have that luxury, there is a level of intense pain on top of the fear/anxiety/panic/etc. This is a great time to do things like bake, go on a nature hike, look at the stars, spring clean, pick out things to donate. Utilize this time to get your sh*t in order. I know, this is hard with work and lost wages and everything else. I am not discounting that - but what are you going to do about it? What can you do about it right now? Not much, so choose to do something else. Make some memories. Have the kids start a journal, come up with a new game night. Who knows, this entire situation may draw you and your family closer than you ever have been. Wouldn't you prefer dinnertime conversation over silence and everyone staring at a phone? I would.
4. Illness: So, what if you're like me and you freak out, "Is it COVID-19? A cold? The flu? Allergies?" Here's the thing - all of those, except one, are pretty much handled in a similar fashion: Stay home. Hydrate - overly hydrate. The more water the better. Take your vitamins. Eat some yogurt for the probiotics to assist with gut health (unless you have a nasally issue or cough - if so, avoid dairy as it promotes more mucus), take a nap. If there is one thing that can easily weaken your immune system, it is stress. So as hard as it might be, you have to relax. Get lost in a good Netflix series, or start to read that book you've been meaning to pick up. A spin on Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax": Relax. Don't do it. Let your body work through it.
Everyone has gone nuts - it is what it is, but continuing on this route is only going to exhaust us all and cause way more harm than good. Let's all just try to work through this issue in a positive and productive way. This is temporary.
Me too.
But here we are, folks. In this absolute circus that is surrounding the COVID-19 virus. As I write this, my seasonal allergies are kicking up. Post nasal drip, lump in my throat (but not a sore throat), producing cough - happens every year. Every.Damn.Year. If the tree in my backyard is beginning to bloom, I can count on these things occurring - but here I am second guessing everything now. Pair that with the anxiety that has already plagued me for the last 3 months or so and now my mind spirals out of control for a hot minute and it goes from "allergies" to "Great, now I'm dying". Ei yi yi.
I never thought on December 31, 2019 that I would begin my journey into COVID-19 prep. I actually think that may have been the day the media frenzy kicked off surrounding the issue in China (ironic). The following weeks and months were met with a great deal of uncertainty, fear, anxiety, a need for patience, a need to relinquish control, a desire TO control, isolation, and a ton of hand washing. Who knew that my severe premature labor would prepare me for that shit that was going to hit the fan two months later! Who knew...
While the world scrambles to protect themselves from a dirty behind, I am sort of just drifting through it all. Did I buy some toilet paper? Yes - because I was out. Did I buy some cleaners? Yes. Did I buy bleach? Yes. Did I buy canned goods? Yes. The funny thing is, my lack of panic caused me to believe that I was actually UNDER prepared - which drove me to the store to pick up some essentials. But I assure you, that does not involve large quantities of toilet paper. I found it interesting as people wheeled carts and carts of toilet paper out of these stores - but no food. No canned goods. Apparently society cares more about their asses than their nutritional well being while being quarantined. I don't understand it.
Back to the point - I think a lot of you may be feeling the way that I have felt the last couple of months, but obviously for a different reason. So I want to share with you some ways that I think might help you work through those nagging feelings, because they will probably be around for a bit. If I have learned anything through this it is that the only way to get out of a feeling is to work through the feeling. Working against it only causes more angst.
1. Uncertainty & Fear: Similar to the journey with my girls, there are two things you can lean on during your battle with uncertainty: God and Science (weird seeing those two together, huh?) God always has us in the palm of His hand and while many situations don't seem fair, He uses them all for good. Science is also working around the clock to come up with vaccines. How often do you have the ENTIRE WORLD searching, with such determination, to figure something like this out? The response to COVID-19 is pretty much as good as it's going to get, because it's affecting everyone. We might not have it figured out tomorrow, but it will get figured out. Use this time to develop a new, healthy routine. Maybe each morning you wake up and give thanks for your health, you eat a healthy breakfast, you take a walk outside, and then come home and read something positive. The best way through fear is through positivity. Change your thinking and change your actions towards something that is more positive and productive than worrying.
2. Patience: This goes with what I just said - it will get figured out. Your anxiety, your panic, your 500 rolls of toilet paper are not going to get it figured out sooner. Additionally, lack of patience and the anxiety that comes with it causes you to lose patience - patience with your kids, patience with your family, patience with the poor old woman at Aldi's. In a time where everyone feels similar, choose to be kind. Again, this will be figured out. While you are stuck not knowing and not being able to do anything about it, control your controllable. Wash your hands. Eat healthy foods. Enjoy some time outside. STAY AWAY FROM SOCIAL MEDIA. Limit your time feeding into the news. Get the info you need, and then get away.
3. Isolation: I have seen a lot of parents freaking out because the kids will be home for a while. I have mixed feelings on this as someone who is currently separated from her children - but to each their own. I'll leave my thoughts here: be grateful. Please. Be grateful for healthy children. Be grateful that they are in your home. Be grateful that during something that is so scary that your family is together, rather than separated. At least you can take comfort that you are all together - for us families that don't have that luxury, there is a level of intense pain on top of the fear/anxiety/panic/etc. This is a great time to do things like bake, go on a nature hike, look at the stars, spring clean, pick out things to donate. Utilize this time to get your sh*t in order. I know, this is hard with work and lost wages and everything else. I am not discounting that - but what are you going to do about it? What can you do about it right now? Not much, so choose to do something else. Make some memories. Have the kids start a journal, come up with a new game night. Who knows, this entire situation may draw you and your family closer than you ever have been. Wouldn't you prefer dinnertime conversation over silence and everyone staring at a phone? I would.
4. Illness: So, what if you're like me and you freak out, "Is it COVID-19? A cold? The flu? Allergies?" Here's the thing - all of those, except one, are pretty much handled in a similar fashion: Stay home. Hydrate - overly hydrate. The more water the better. Take your vitamins. Eat some yogurt for the probiotics to assist with gut health (unless you have a nasally issue or cough - if so, avoid dairy as it promotes more mucus), take a nap. If there is one thing that can easily weaken your immune system, it is stress. So as hard as it might be, you have to relax. Get lost in a good Netflix series, or start to read that book you've been meaning to pick up. A spin on Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax": Relax. Don't do it. Let your body work through it.
Everyone has gone nuts - it is what it is, but continuing on this route is only going to exhaust us all and cause way more harm than good. Let's all just try to work through this issue in a positive and productive way. This is temporary.
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