31 Days Later

The date is January 174th.

It is cold. It is grey. I just turned up the thermostat. I long for a nap.

One month ago today my life changed forever. Realistically speaking, your life routinely "changes forever" based on the choices you make and the paths you go down. Even seemingly meaningless things you do on a daily basis "change your life forever"; however, having twins at 23 weeks and 3 days come rip roaring into the world suddenly via emergency C-section....that's definitely a life changer. To have your pregnancy status go from "currently pregnant" to "no longer pregnant" in the span of..mmm...25 minutes, if you include operational prep...that's a life changer.  To wake up from your surgery in recovery without the feeling of your two little sidekicks inside of you, rolling around and instead feeling an emptiness and your pregnant belly basically gone - well, damn. That's walking through the front door of a whole new world.

Thirty-one days ago I was lost, terrified, confused, in denial, angry, hating myself, did I say confused? Did I say in denial? It was a tough day emotionally. Thirty-one days ago, I saw my two girls for the first time - their skin bright red and so fragile. Their little bodies so tiny and looking almost deflated because they didn't have any body fat on them yet. I didn't know if that would be how I would remember my girls, in that state, or not.

The doctors essentially told me to prepare for the worst. Memory boxes. Funeral arrangements. Emergency baptisms. Thirty-one days ago, I was unsure how I would come out of this. Thirty-one days ago, it was the darkest place I have ever had to sit with in my heart and my mind. Thirty-one days ago, I understood the pain that could lead someone to suicide (though I swear to everyone, while I understood HOW, it was never a question of IF I would go that route. That was never a route I considered).

Thirty-one days later, the picture is very different (all thanks to God, no doubt).

Thirty-one days later I am hopeful, closer to God than I have ever been, filled with love and support, filled with a mother's love and tenacity to care for her children, more knowledgable about the NICU that seemed so foreign to me just a short time ago.

Thirty-one days later, I have a support system of many moms who have gone through he same thing, the support of my family, as well as the support of my friends who have no idea what it is like to be a parent of a NICU baby.

Thirty-one days later, I know I can make it through the tough days - even if they physically put me down while they are happening.

Thirty-one days later, I have confidence in myself and my abilities.

Thirty-one days later, "I can't" is a phrase I am working on completely removing from my vocabulary because my girls were told they couldn't do many things, and they instead said, "Yes we can".

Thirty-one days later, I have been taught some of the most valuable, life changing lessons I could have ever been taught.

Thirty-one days later, things are not easy. Thirty-one days does not signal being, "out of the woods". Thirty-one days will never take away the fear, the what if's, or the anxiety that surrounds each new day because you are not sure what that day is going to bring for your girls. Thirty-one days later, all of those things still very much exist.  But I am grateful to be here, to be with them, 31 days later <3