The Sh*tty Truth (or not)

Week 25, Day 2

We are going to switch gears here for a beat. We need to talk about another struggle, not just of this journey, but of many postpartum journeys that have come before it (and will come after it - so if you are pregnant, consider this your warning).

Poopin'. 

To my family - I apologize for this post, but it needs to be said.

When you go through pregnancy and begin to prepare for labor (or just have it out of the blue), friends and family will tell you about their own journeys, their pains, their struggles, sometimes more information than you ever asked for with regard to their labor experience...but one thing people seem to keep a secret is the issue of your intestines being non-functional postpartum. That's right - I'm talking about dropping a deuce. It's a hard job, but someone's gotta do it - and that someone will be you! Hopefully....without much assistance or tears in your eyes.

(Side note - people from my work read this blog and I can't believe I'm going there so openly. Guys - this is me bearing my soul. Now ya know. We're officially close.)

Guys - all girls poop. If you're reading this and you are one of my guy friends, stop saying, "Ugh! Gross!" Your girlfriend poops, the hot girl at the bar poops, your wife poops - everyone poops. Get over it. Tis a shitty situation (or not, in this case).

No one tells you about this! Not a soul! They might tell you that they go DURING labor ("thanks for that visual" I always think to myself), but this whole act of going AFTER labor is this big, dark secret that everyone seems to clutch close to their chests. I'm here to let it go (I wish...)

Ladies - you will be backed up FO DAAAAYZ! Days, my friend. Especially, if you are on pain meds. And each day your nurse will ask you, "Did you poop today?" and you will be forced to answer in despair, "No...not today."  You will take stool softeners, you will drink coffee, you will "get up and move", you will lay on your side, and you will pray and pray that something happens - but it won't. God does not seem to be in the business of answering certain poopin' prayers; however, maybe He does this for our benefit. Things do need to heal, after all - and His timing is always right. I take that back - he does answer these prayers in his own odd way. I just mentioned God and poop in the same sentence....Lord, forgive me.

Anywho, back to the business. 

The first couple of days is no big deal, other than the oddity of not going if you are pretty regular. I was not one of those women who got their appetite back postpartum (I'm still waiting in that department, if I'm being entirely honest) however, my situation was also a bit different than your standard labor and delivery so perhaps the stress has something to do with it. But yes, the first couple of days you won't notice. Come the third day (if you are still in hospital post Cesarean section, like I was) your nurse will start to look at you sideways, give you a puzzling look and say, "Let's try some Metamucil - that'll get ya goin'"  And you will shrug and say, "Why not - I'm on everything else in the world - what's a little Metamucil!"  

I hope for your sake, dear friend, that it works for you. It was a no go for me.

Upon hearing of its failure, the nurse will try something else - something "sure to work".

I hope for your sake, dear friend, that it works for you. It was a no go for me.

My body just wasn't having it! This was day...four? Of no activity and I was eating - albeit smaller portions, but things were in there. I started to get concerned for the big event - ESPECIALLY because I had every softener, and gut relaxant known to man in me. I mean, this could be a situation of terrible proportions. And I couldn't run, you guys. You cannot run post c-section - you can barely walk! So what's a gal to do if she finds herself in a situation? I imagined myself taking the reins of the wheelchair from Ray and rip-roarin' down the long hospital corridors like Mario Andretti - my open hospital gown flapping behind me in the breeze, sweat pouring down my face and a hunger in my eyes - definitely up on two wheels as I hit those bends.

I hope for your sake, dear friend, that does not happen to you. Thankfully, it also did not happen to me. You thought it might have - didn't you? No. I do believe the universe said, "She's been through enough..let's not take it there". Thanks, universe.

I'm going to spare my family, my work colleagues, and all of you the details of what happens next. But I will tell you this: it's not pleasant. It's not quick. It involves similar breathing to working through contractions. I would advise having a stress ball nearby (I'm not shittin' you - have one nearby). And that will be your life for a while. And some days you will go back to no activity for days - and on those days your stomach will hurt (which is exactly what you need when you are already trying to recover).

So you have been warned, my friend. You can't say "No one ever told me about this!" now. Saddle up and squeeze that stress ball.

I should add, ironically Little Valerie was experiencing the same issues at the same time. Poopin' babies are very important in the NICU and Val and me...well, we were just hoping for some movement. I found this little gem on YouTube that I played for her and danced around to (as best as one can dance when their pelvis has been sliced open and their insides re-arranged) outside of her isolate. It's catchy! You'll start to sing it when you go. I do - and I can say that now, me and Val are right where we need to be.  Not sure who paid these people to make this song but they deserve every cent.

Enjoy :)